Last night I murdered the vet by mistake. I only meant to scare him (a bit) but in hindsight I think maybe I did the correct thing by ending his life. It started yesterday morning when I noticed that little Nicky (the weaker of my donkey babies) was a bit collicky and was off his breast milk (I get it delivered free from the romanian woman who lives in a tent on the roundabout near the bypass with her 14 children and alcoholic husband in return for out of date packets of Uncle Bens boil-in-the-bag rice the man in the storeroom at Sainsburys gives me in return for stolen tights and soiled underwear I steal from the girls boarding school laundry that I frequent when I'm feeling energetic - it's a long complicated bartering chain but I'm willing to do anything for the sake of my new 'family'). Fuck I've forgotten what I was talking about now. Hang on a sec whilst I rewind.....oh yes - the murder of the vet (or cuntryside as I have renamed it). Anyway - I called him in to give little Nicky the once over just to be on the safe side. After waiting for 8 fucking hours (he said he'd be round in twenty minutes) he finally arrived. All he did was give little Nicky a slap on the back and rammed some sort of tablet down his throat and then asked me for £125 quid and proceeded to berate me for wasting 'his fucking time'! In return I told him that I had no change on me but that I'd go to the hole in the wall in town and drop it round his place later in the evening (I knew where the cunt lived). He left in a huff after telling me that unless either of the twins were coughing up blood that I shouldn't bother wasting his time again and go and get a fucking life! I've met some arrogant pricks in my time but James Herriot or whatever the bastard vets' name was took the biscuit. Superannuated overpricing cunt! Anyway - I dutifully went to the hole in the wall but it ate my card (not sure why, it's not as if I don't have the cash) and because it was after 5.30pm the bank was shut so there was fuck all I could do about it. So I decided to drive on up to Mr Vet's mansion (an utterly tasteless late 80s monstrosity) and explain the situation. Anyway, when I got there I couldn't see any sign of life but I found the back door was unlocked and my inner curious cat forced me to enter the premises. After having a good old nose around the kitchen and pocketing £500 in £20 notes I found in a drawer I made my way into the living room where I noticed the aforementioned practitioner, dressed only in white silk stockings, engaging in what could only be described as violent self abuse whilst listening to some sort of classical music racket (even though he had headphones on I could hear it) and reading a Mills & Boon novel borrowed from the local library (it was overdue - I checked the date stamp afterwards). After weighing up several possible directions to take I finally settled on choking him with the lead of his stereo headphones. I only meant to scare him or perhaps leave him unconscious but as usual I had a bit of a blackout and got carried away and ended up killing the fucker. I choked and choked and pulled and pulled at the lead until I was finally 'awoken' from my murderous squeezings by a wet sticky deposit hitting me on the face. It seems I'd accidentally done a Michael Hutchence/Kill Bill deathwank on Mr Vet (at least he probably enjoyed it). So being left with only one option, I carried him as far as the hall door and hung him there (his penis still slightly pulsing and dribbling) in order to make it look like death by misadventurous wanking and then left to return to my babies (they were due a pre-bedtime feed) £500 quid richer and 100% mentally satisfied with my handy-work.
So here we are right up to date. Little Nicky is feeling much better today and has even started playfully bullying David around the barn. Still nothing on the news about Mr Vet. He's probably still hanging there in the hallway. He has a cleaner who calls in on weekends. I hope she finds him first. I've never really liked her much - she used to be a cleaning lady at my school when I was a kid and I remember she reported me to the headmaster when she caught me using the girls loos (I was desperate for a pee and the boys toilets were miles away). I couldn't help myself having a wank while I was in there and she totally ruined it by walking in and catching me just as I was about to cum.
Right - I'm off to buy £500's worth of donkey paraphenalia and accessories and playthings for my two boys. Speak again soon I hope.
I wish myself (and donkey lovers everywhere) luck!
Richard x
PS - I had to go to the dentist the other day (wisdom teeth removal). After I woke up from the anesthesia, my dentist said "You have the prettiest teeth I've ever come across..."- I requested he define the word "come."
Friday, 28 May 2010
Tuesday, 25 May 2010
Jogging backwards to gain weight
That horse faced bitch who works in the butchers shop told me I needed to gain some weight and bulk up a bit if I ever hope to score with any of the local chicks. What the hell's that supposed to mean? I think she must fancy me or something but she's got no fucking chance. Anyway, at least seeing her reminded me to set my VCR (I still have one) to record a programme about D.I.Y. pig slaughtering on BBC2. She's one of those people who just ramble on and talk shit just for the sake of it and doesn't seem to hear what anyone else says. Even when I suggested shaving a good six stones worth of unsightly flab off her thighs using the bacon slicer didn't seem to register with her so I left without paying.
Anyway - greetings donkey lovers everywhere. The weather is lovely and I have some news. I'm going to be a father!!! Well not a real Dad. Not one who abuses you or anything. No. I'm going to be a surrogate step father type person to two, yes two brand spanking new donkey twins! Hooray for new Dads everywhere. I am overjoyed. I rescued them from the local donkey sanctuary. Apparently their previous owner was a bit of a cunt and regularly beat the shit out of their poor mother, so much so that she turned violent and almost killed him and had to be put down (the yummy mummy donkey not him). When I saw their little faces staring up at me from their pen I was instantly smitten and immediately offered to adopt them (I showed the RSPCA man my donkey loving details). I have decided to call them David and Nick after our new governmental heads. I have so much to teach them about the big bad world and once they are old enough I shall tutor them in the ways of wooing and encourage them to mate with the local donkey babes that sell their wares down in my bottom field (they are in for a good time - believe me). Oh - and I found out all about their previous owner, who he was and where he lived etc. He was a big ugly fucker but once the drugs kicked in (I spiked his pint with good old rohypnol) he didn't put up much of a struggle. I managed to drag him back to my barn and tied him to one of those devices vets use when they want to artificially inseminate cows (it's amazing what you can buy on ebay for next to nothing). I waited until he had semi-regained consciousness before letting Large Lionel (my top he-man donkey stud) have his way with him (three times in a row - he must be on donkey viagra or something). Naturally I had my trusty videocam at the ready to record it all for posterity and it IS available on the web if you know where to look. It took me about four hours to cut up his body afterwards into portable sized pieces because my electric carving knife was on the blink and I had to use mothers old cleaver instead. Still, it was worth it and at least his pigs had plenty to eat once I'd delivered him back home. I've a good mind to do the same with that cow in the butchers shop if she ever pokes fun at my physique again (she's on my to-do list)....but I'm too tired to even think about it at present. It's not easy being a single father to two growing boys what with night feeds and general lack of sleep - I'm run ragged these days. I don't even have the energy to masturbate, although I did manage to knock one out while watching Coronation Street the other night (Hayley). Still it will all be worth it in the end. I feel good about myself again and my female donkeys look at me in a whole new way now. I think they're impressed (and perhaps slightly turned on...you know how it is when single women see a bloke being all fatherly with young children and so on). Anyway - it's time for David and Nicks' evening feed so I'll have to sign off for now.
Until next time, as usual
I wish myself luck.
PS - a bloke who looked the spit of Ronan Keating once offered to hold my penis in order to let me blow my nose when I was using the loos at the BBC in London several years back (I was there to watch a recording of the Jonathan Ross Show - who I HATE). Not sure why I decided to tell you that.
Anyway - greetings donkey lovers everywhere. The weather is lovely and I have some news. I'm going to be a father!!! Well not a real Dad. Not one who abuses you or anything. No. I'm going to be a surrogate step father type person to two, yes two brand spanking new donkey twins! Hooray for new Dads everywhere. I am overjoyed. I rescued them from the local donkey sanctuary. Apparently their previous owner was a bit of a cunt and regularly beat the shit out of their poor mother, so much so that she turned violent and almost killed him and had to be put down (the yummy mummy donkey not him). When I saw their little faces staring up at me from their pen I was instantly smitten and immediately offered to adopt them (I showed the RSPCA man my donkey loving details). I have decided to call them David and Nick after our new governmental heads. I have so much to teach them about the big bad world and once they are old enough I shall tutor them in the ways of wooing and encourage them to mate with the local donkey babes that sell their wares down in my bottom field (they are in for a good time - believe me). Oh - and I found out all about their previous owner, who he was and where he lived etc. He was a big ugly fucker but once the drugs kicked in (I spiked his pint with good old rohypnol) he didn't put up much of a struggle. I managed to drag him back to my barn and tied him to one of those devices vets use when they want to artificially inseminate cows (it's amazing what you can buy on ebay for next to nothing). I waited until he had semi-regained consciousness before letting Large Lionel (my top he-man donkey stud) have his way with him (three times in a row - he must be on donkey viagra or something). Naturally I had my trusty videocam at the ready to record it all for posterity and it IS available on the web if you know where to look. It took me about four hours to cut up his body afterwards into portable sized pieces because my electric carving knife was on the blink and I had to use mothers old cleaver instead. Still, it was worth it and at least his pigs had plenty to eat once I'd delivered him back home. I've a good mind to do the same with that cow in the butchers shop if she ever pokes fun at my physique again (she's on my to-do list)....but I'm too tired to even think about it at present. It's not easy being a single father to two growing boys what with night feeds and general lack of sleep - I'm run ragged these days. I don't even have the energy to masturbate, although I did manage to knock one out while watching Coronation Street the other night (Hayley). Still it will all be worth it in the end. I feel good about myself again and my female donkeys look at me in a whole new way now. I think they're impressed (and perhaps slightly turned on...you know how it is when single women see a bloke being all fatherly with young children and so on). Anyway - it's time for David and Nicks' evening feed so I'll have to sign off for now.
Until next time, as usual
I wish myself luck.
PS - a bloke who looked the spit of Ronan Keating once offered to hold my penis in order to let me blow my nose when I was using the loos at the BBC in London several years back (I was there to watch a recording of the Jonathan Ross Show - who I HATE). Not sure why I decided to tell you that.
Friday, 7 May 2010
Why are they fighting to get seats in Parliament? I say let the fat bastards stand.
All this election bollox....I'm sick of it. I wasn't allowed to go into my local polling station yesterday (I used the postal option) because it's a council owned leisure facility and the bastards have a restraining order against me ever since my unfortunate 'loose shorts-no underpants-sagging testicles' incident. It's not my fault that my ball sack has become somewhat dangly as I approach middle age and how the hell was I supposed to know that the yoga class I turned up for was exclusively for pregnant women? It's not as though I was at the front or anything...I slipped in discreetly at the back and was in the middle of doing some warm up stretching exercises when the vegetarian looking female instructor told the rest of the class to turn around and face the back of the room for their first yogic manoeuvre. There were one or two gasps from the assembled audience as I did a few open legged squats and my dangly bits slipped out for some air but on the whole it wasn't as bad as it could've been, I mean it's not as if any of them hadn't seen a well honed set of balls before though I have a feeling that my 'tea-bag & meat' themed joke might've been a bridge too far for the vegeterian woman.
Anyway - balls to the lot of them! Bloody hypocrites. They're talking about a well hung parliament and fresh members and things and if that's not sexual innuendo then I don't know what is.....Radical cuts beckon? Radical cunts more like. I'm off now to see a man about a house cleaner. Apparently there's a russian bloke operating out of the local library who has a large workforce of cheap & available 'cleaning staff'. Not that my house is unclean or anything. Ever since mother died I have kept the place shining (I follow her strict cleansing regime to the letter and even wear her old housecoat and pinney in order to get fully into character)...no I just fancy having an undernourished nubile easterner doing lots of bending over and things while I watch Loose Women on the telly (I usually masturbate during this programme so at least she'll have a few surfaces to clean afterwards). Apparently I am allowed to abuse the ugly looking ones for a small extra fee though I'll have to have a think about it before I sign anything.
As usual - I wish myself lots of luck!
Bye for now
Anyway - balls to the lot of them! Bloody hypocrites. They're talking about a well hung parliament and fresh members and things and if that's not sexual innuendo then I don't know what is.....Radical cuts beckon? Radical cunts more like. I'm off now to see a man about a house cleaner. Apparently there's a russian bloke operating out of the local library who has a large workforce of cheap & available 'cleaning staff'. Not that my house is unclean or anything. Ever since mother died I have kept the place shining (I follow her strict cleansing regime to the letter and even wear her old housecoat and pinney in order to get fully into character)...no I just fancy having an undernourished nubile easterner doing lots of bending over and things while I watch Loose Women on the telly (I usually masturbate during this programme so at least she'll have a few surfaces to clean afterwards). Apparently I am allowed to abuse the ugly looking ones for a small extra fee though I'll have to have a think about it before I sign anything.
As usual - I wish myself lots of luck!
Bye for now
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