Last night I took an E. The sign outside the shop now says 'T SCO'

Greetings donkey lovers everywhere! Yes I am back.
I've been away on holiday. Well when I say holiday I actually mean prison. In Horfield Jail, Bristol (psychiatric wing). It was all a bit of a mistake really though the local magistrates didn't see it that way. It all started when I began stalking an english woman I met in the Arts Centre in Newry. I'd nipped in to use the toilets there one Thursday morning when I was in town doing my weekly shop/shoplifting (I don't actually need to shoplift because as I've mentioned previously I am fucking loaded to the gills due to some clever investing on the stock market back in the 90s - that and the insurance I claimed after accidentally drowning my father in the slurry pit - the cunt deserved it anyway so it was a win-win situation - I just enjoy the thrill of stealing things I don't really want or need - especially womens underwear). As you know one of my favourite pasttimes is loitering around female toilets - must be the smell of all those female hormones and things. Anyway, I was on my way out when I encountered a blonde vision dressed in willowy scarves and smelling of patchouli oil. She was gazing at some paintings by a group of local lesbians or something when she caught my eye (I'd been staring at her breasts - I love the way those hippy types rarely wear bras). "Every picture tells a story" she said as I readjusted my penis and trying not to look like I was playing with myself (I was). "Yes, well the paintings hanging on my walls tell me how bad the security is in the antique shop over the road!' (I love stealing things from there). She just smiled and walked on (I think she knew I fancied her and wanted to play hard to get). Anyway to cut a long story short, I followed her all the way to the carpark and watched as she got into her car. It had a covered trailer on the back and in a moment of lust fuelled madness I decided to climb under the tarpaulin and hitch a free ride to her house. I already knew by this stage that I would rape her and sink my teeth into those pendulous breasts (hopefully she'd let me - she was a strong looking woman and I didn't have any chloroform on me to render her unconscious). However all didn't go according to plan. Next thing I knew I was on the fucking ferry to Holyhead (I thought the customs checked in trailers for drugs and things? How come no-one bothered looking in hers?). After stretching my legs for a bit and having a pee over the side of the boat I returned to the trailer and decided to have a snooze. Fifteen hours later I awoke to find myself in the carpark outside Bristol Zoo (I still had my bags of groceries with me that I'd bought in Dunnes Stores the previous day). I've never been there before so I thought I'd make the most of it and have a nosey around and there's no better way to start than by visiting the local Zoo. There was a sign saying that they'd just taken a delivery of a breeding pair of Kangaroos and as I'd always had an interest in them I decided I'd go there first. The sign said that the public weren't allowed to touch any of the animals but I thought I'd take my chances and climbed over the fence and into the kangaroo pound. They're magnificent beasts and they didn't mind at all when I put my hand into the female's pouch (I'd secretly always wanted to do that). Next thing I knew however three security bastards bundled me to the ground and next morning I found myself in the dock of Bristol Crown Court on trumped up charges of gross indecency with a defenceless non-consenting animal! Four fucking weeks in the local nick (psychiatric wing) was what the judge deemed to be appropriate recompence (wig wearing cunt) and what made it all the worse was the fact that I didn't get as much as a sniff of the art loving hippy bitch's gussett (never mind a proper full on sexual assault) that started my unfortunate chain of events. Four weeks of aversion therapy and prescribed drugs (I didn't even get a buzz from them). Speaking of drugs, by the time I got back to my homestead in County Armagh my herd of donkeys had gone bonkers as a result of lack of proper food which caused them to break out of their enclosure and into the spare barn that I'd rented to an acquaintance (who for legal reasons I'll refer to as 'Danny') for horticultural purposes. It turns out he'd been using it as a makeshift cannabis factory and once Fenella and the rest of the donkey posse got a taste for it the greedy flop eared bastards munched their way through the whole fucking crop! They were completely off their equine tits for the best part of a month. The neighbours must've been wondering what the fuck all the non stop 24 hour braying was all about! Danny went beserk when he found out and burnt down the barn and several other
out-buildings and has hinted heavily that he wants his cut of the insurance which is a real fucking pain because unbenownst to him or anyone else there must be at least eleven bodies buried in the ground under the barn and you know what those insurance bastards are like, they like to poke around and dig deep before they part with a penny so I'll probably have to end up
re-housing the stiffs somewhere else before I can submit a claim.
So that's everything up to date now and I hope it goes some way to explaining my absence from here. From now on it's 'rape local - stay local' for me.

Yours affectionately

Richard

Until next time as usual
I wish myself luck x

ps - I accidentally sent a picture of my dick to everyone in my address book today.Not only was it really embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps.