Auto-erotic asphyxiation, it's breathtakingly good.

Last night I murdered the vet by mistake. I only meant to scare him (a bit) but in hindsight I think maybe I did the correct thing by ending his life. It started yesterday morning when I noticed that little Nicky (the weaker of my donkey babies) was a bit collicky and was off his breast milk (I get it delivered free from the romanian woman who lives in a tent on the roundabout near the bypass with her 14 children and alcoholic husband in return for out of date packets of Uncle Bens boil-in-the-bag rice the man in the storeroom at Sainsburys gives me in return for stolen tights and soiled underwear I steal from the girls boarding school laundry that I frequent when I'm feeling energetic - it's a long complicated bartering chain but I'm willing to do anything for the sake of my new 'family'). Fuck I've forgotten what I was talking about now. Hang on a sec whilst I rewind.....oh yes - the murder of the vet (or cuntryside as I have renamed it). Anyway - I called him in to give little Nicky the once over just to be on the safe side. After waiting for 8 fucking hours (he said he'd be round in twenty minutes) he finally arrived. All he did was give little Nicky a slap on the back and rammed some sort of tablet down his throat and then asked me for £125 quid and proceeded to berate me for wasting 'his fucking time'! In return I told him that I had no change on me but that I'd go to the hole in the wall in town and drop it round his place later in the evening (I knew where the cunt lived). He left in a huff after telling me that unless either of the twins were coughing up blood that I shouldn't bother wasting his time again and go and get a fucking life! I've met some arrogant pricks in my time but James Herriot or whatever the bastard vets' name was took the biscuit. Superannuated overpricing cunt! Anyway - I dutifully went to the hole in the wall but it ate my card (not sure why, it's not as if I don't have the cash) and because it was after 5.30pm the bank was shut so there was fuck all I could do about it. So I decided to drive on up to Mr Vet's mansion (an utterly tasteless late 80s monstrosity) and explain the situation. Anyway, when I got there I couldn't see any sign of life but I found the back door was unlocked and my inner curious cat forced me to enter the premises. After having a good old nose around the kitchen and pocketing £500 in £20 notes I found in a drawer I made my way into the living room where I noticed the aforementioned practitioner, dressed only in white silk stockings, engaging in what could only be described as violent self abuse whilst listening to some sort of classical music racket (even though he had headphones on I could hear it) and reading a Mills & Boon novel borrowed from the local library (it was overdue - I checked the date stamp afterwards). After weighing up several possible directions to take I finally settled on choking him with the lead of his stereo headphones. I only meant to scare him or perhaps leave him unconscious but as usual I had a bit of a blackout and got carried away and ended up killing the fucker. I choked and choked and pulled and pulled at the lead until I was finally 'awoken' from my murderous squeezings by a wet sticky deposit hitting me on the face. It seems I'd accidentally done a Michael Hutchence/Kill Bill deathwank on Mr Vet (at least he probably enjoyed it). So being left with only one option, I carried him as far as the hall door and hung him there (his penis still slightly pulsing and dribbling) in order to make it look like death by misadventurous wanking and then left to return to my babies (they were due a pre-bedtime feed) £500 quid richer and 100% mentally satisfied with my handy-work.
So here we are right up to date. Little Nicky is feeling much better today and has even started playfully bullying David around the barn. Still nothing on the news about Mr Vet. He's probably still hanging there in the hallway. He has a cleaner who calls in on weekends. I hope she finds him first. I've never really liked her much - she used to be a cleaning lady at my school when I was a kid and I remember she reported me to the headmaster when she caught me using the girls loos (I was desperate for a pee and the boys toilets were miles away). I couldn't help myself having a wank while I was in there and she totally ruined it by walking in and catching me just as I was about to cum.
Right - I'm off to buy £500's worth of donkey paraphenalia and accessories and playthings for my two boys. Speak again soon I hope.

I wish myself (and donkey lovers everywhere) luck!

Richard x

PS - I had to go to the dentist the other day (wisdom teeth removal). After I woke up from the anesthesia, my dentist said "You have the prettiest teeth I've ever come across..."- I requested he define the word "come."