Jogging backwards to gain weight

That horse faced bitch who works in the butchers shop told me I needed to gain some weight and bulk up a bit if I ever hope to score with any of the local chicks. What the hell's that supposed to mean? I think she must fancy me or something but she's got no fucking chance. Anyway, at least seeing her reminded me to set my VCR (I still have one) to record a programme about D.I.Y. pig slaughtering on BBC2. She's one of those people who just ramble on and talk shit just for the sake of it and doesn't seem to hear what anyone else says. Even when I suggested shaving a good six stones worth of unsightly flab off her thighs using the bacon slicer didn't seem to register with her so I left without paying.
Anyway - greetings donkey lovers everywhere. The weather is lovely and I have some news. I'm going to be a father!!! Well not a real Dad. Not one who abuses you or anything. No. I'm going to be a surrogate step father type person to two, yes two brand spanking new donkey twins! Hooray for new Dads everywhere. I am overjoyed. I rescued them from the local donkey sanctuary. Apparently their previous owner was a bit of a cunt and regularly beat the shit out of their poor mother, so much so that she turned violent and almost killed him and had to be put down (the yummy mummy donkey not him). When I saw their little faces staring up at me from their pen I was instantly smitten and immediately offered to adopt them (I showed the RSPCA man my donkey loving details). I have decided to call them David and Nick after our new governmental heads. I have so much to teach them about the big bad world and once they are old enough I shall tutor them in the ways of wooing and encourage them to mate with the local donkey babes that sell their wares down in my bottom field (they are in for a good time - believe me). Oh - and I found out all about their previous owner, who he was and where he lived etc. He was a big ugly fucker but once the drugs kicked in (I spiked his pint with good old rohypnol) he didn't put up much of a struggle. I managed to drag him back to my barn and tied him to one of those devices vets use when they want to artificially inseminate cows (it's amazing what you can buy on ebay for next to nothing). I waited until he had semi-regained consciousness before letting Large Lionel (my top he-man donkey stud) have his way with him (three times in a row - he must be on donkey viagra or something). Naturally I had my trusty videocam at the ready to record it all for posterity and it IS available on the web if you know where to look. It took me about four hours to cut up his body afterwards into portable sized pieces because my electric carving knife was on the blink and I had to use mothers old cleaver instead. Still, it was worth it and at least his pigs had plenty to eat once I'd delivered him back home. I've a good mind to do the same with that cow in the butchers shop if she ever pokes fun at my physique again (she's on my to-do list)....but I'm too tired to even think about it at present. It's not easy being a single father to two growing boys what with night feeds and general lack of sleep - I'm run ragged these days. I don't even have the energy to masturbate, although I did manage to knock one out while watching Coronation Street the other night (Hayley). Still it will all be worth it in the end. I feel good about myself again and my female donkeys look at me in a whole new way now. I think they're impressed (and perhaps slightly turned on...you know how it is when single women see a bloke being all fatherly with young children and so on). Anyway - it's time for David and Nicks' evening feed so I'll have to sign off for now.
Until next time, as usual

I wish myself luck.

PS - a bloke who looked the spit of Ronan Keating once offered to hold my penis in order to let me blow my nose when I was using the loos at the BBC in London several years back (I was there to watch a recording of the Jonathan Ross Show - who I HATE). Not sure why I decided to tell you that.