I'm still waiting for the summer....although I don't mind the dark evenings...it means I can sneak around with relative ease without being seen. Last week I was telling you about my motorbike stalker. Well I sat for ages in my living room wearing nothing but a pair of the briefest of briefs...I left the curtains wide open too and didn't bother locking the front door. I would've left it open but it was far too windy outside and I didn't want to get a chill so I pinned a note to the door that said, "Please come in...if I am asleep feel free to help yourself to my body". I was awoken by the milkman at 7.15am. He just smiled and left me some extra cream.....I think I might've sent him the wrong signals. Anyway, 2 days later I spotted the same motorbike and it's mysterious rider driving down the mainstreet in Richhill as I was coming out of the butchers shop with a pound of sausages....so I immediately fired up the old soft-top runaround stalker mobile and followed at a discreet distance (I didn't want to ram her from behind....well not yet anyway). The rider eventually dismounted outside an innocuous looking house and went into the garage. I gave it a moment or two before following (it was dark by this stage) and had a sneaky peek through the window. The rider removed the helmet and yes - it was definitely a woman (I think so anyway....though you never know nowadays). Next thing she removed her leathers and started talking to herself as she lifted what looked like a tin of paint from the shelf and put on a pair of tight fitting overalls......she seemed to be having a bit of trouble with the zip and started fiddling about with it. "Mmmm...it's all runny...it's much better when it's nice and wet". Then she grabbed a 10 inch long stick and started stirring the paint (at least I think that's what she was doing...I couldn't really see because she was facing away from me and the window was starting to steam up). "Ohhhh that's so much better......it needed a good seeing to". I must admit I was getting mixed signals by now and my loins had become somewhat engorged with excitement (I couldn't help it). I was in 'peeping tom paradise'. Then as she started to paint the garage floor (I know.......bit of a let down really) I felt a hot breath on the back of my neck and my entire body was suddenly pinned to the garage wall. It was next doors' bloody dog.....it must've smelt the sausages I'd bought earlier in the butchers. It gobbled down the whole lot and, not content with just that, then proceeded to relieve its' libidinous urges by simulating doggy style (literally) sex upon me. What the hell is it about dogs and me? I've lost count now of the number of times I've been dog-raped! After he'd finished (took him a good 10 minutes or so) he slobbered all over the side of my face and slowly slipped to the ground into some sort of post orgasmic coma. I took this as my signal to get the hell out of there and get back to the relative safety of my car. I don't think those stains will ever come out of my suede coat. Needless to say my infatuation with my motorbike stalker has now abated somewhat.
I'm off to a 'bring and buy' sale in the local community centre tonight...never know what (or who) you'll find there.
Until next time
I wish myself luck!
Richard
ps - I have taken my 3 pet donkeys indoors due to the inclement weather. I've turned the spare downstairs room (which is directly below my bedroom) into a temporary donkey sanctuary. Their body heat rises and keeps me warm at night. Unfortunately the smell rises too which means that any romantic conquests will have to be confined to the kitchen or my late mothers' untouched boudoir.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
You lazy so and so - you could tapped the window. I could've used a hand (with the painting). Next doors dog never recovered by the way - it's had to be put down.
ReplyDelete