"Give me your man juice, spunk all over me you dirty bastard".

I got a phonecall from some American bitch last night begging me to "Give me your man juice, spunk all over me you dirty bastard"....Michelle somebody. She sounded black. I think it was a wrong number. Luckily I was wanking at the time so no harm done.
Yeah, I was in a bit of a strange mood last last night. All that murdering in Whitehaven made me wonder where the hell I'd left my mothers old service revolver. Last time I used it was when I kidnapped the woman from the Cancer Research shop in town and made her re-open the shop after hours when I realized I'd accidentally donated a fur coat that I stole from a dead prostitute that I came across in a laneway several months previously. okay so she wasn't really a prostitute - I think she was actually an estate agent or something but you know by now how my mind works. I don't know what the hell I was thinking or what made me do it (donate the coat I mean - not the murder). I guess it was because there'd been a discussion about de-cluttering your life on Loose Women earlier on in the day and I'd decided to get rid of some stuff from my overstuffed wardrobe. My DNA was still plastered all over it (as well as her blood) - I'd have been in deep shit if the local fuzzmeisters had've got their hands on it. They've been appealing for clues and witnesses ever since they found her body AND they were so close to catching me at the time because they were already fingering me for suspected rape when they found her body. Well not actually fingering me but you know what I mean. I'm sure there'd be a lot more rapists around if they were on the promise of a bonus fingering by her majesties finest once they'd got the raping bit out of the way.....almost like a buy one get one free scenario. Anyway, to cut a long one short, I got the coat back from the shop but was forced to strangle the old bat with a pair of used tights (which I've kept) that I found in the 'yet to be sorted' pile in the back of the shop. I hid her body under the aforementioned pile of clothing and there's still been no word of her on the news or anything. I've always suspected they were a shower of slow moving bitches in that shop. The smell must be horrendous by now but I doubt if anyone will notice (not exactly fresh in there at the best of times).
I found the gun earlier today in case you were wondering. It was in the barn where I'd left it after the charity shop strangling. I tend to sweat a lot when murdering or indulging in some light raping (I think it's hormonal or something) and my musky odour really appeals to my beloved donkeys...it makes them go beserk with feelings of lust (male and female). I like to strip off and tease them with it. In the case of the estate agents fur coat, I thought I'd wear it over my naked body and prance around the barn to see if it would add to the ambience. It took me 4 days to regain full use of my bowels after the ensuing gang rape! Still, it was worth it just to see the look of contentment on their little elongated faces. In all the excitment I'd completely forgotten I'd left the gun on a shelf beside the quicklime.
Right - I'm off now to help some people with assisted suicides. I've been volunteering at the local Samaritans and have lots of names and addresses to attend to. I don't know why I didn't think of it before. They're literally dying to top themselves. I'm glad I found my revolver again. I am currently suffering from tennis elbow which makes strangulation a bit tiresome after a while.
As usual, I wish myself luck!

Richard

PS - Heard this joke the other day and I actually pissed myself laughing.It wasn't very funny, I just have a bladder weakness.