Pork Scratchings

Hello......and welcome to my blog. These are my first tentative virginal steps into the world on online blogging! As some of you may know I am currently on a quest to find my perfect mate. Don't get me wrong..I'm not looking to procreate or anything....just a bit of the other every now and then would be nice...and maybe someone to keep me warm during these dark evenings. I have joined an online dating agency called Plentyoffish.com - see link below:

http://www.plentyoffish.com/member16287900.htm

Anyway - last night I went out on my second ever date (the previous one had been a bit of a disaster). She said she was a pig farmer from just outside Rathfriland. I met her as arranged outside the local sewage processing plant and she took me back to her place (it was a bit of a dump but I said nothing). I was no sooner through the front door when she pounced on me (she was a big lady - clad in overalls and smelling quite ripe). She took me twice on the kitchen floor. In some circles it would've been called 'double rape' but again I said nothing and just let her get on with it...I didn't think it was possible to do that with a black pudding by the way! That was all fine and dandy but next thing, her husband puts in appearance. She told me he'd been dead for 11 years! Quite a fright he gave me.....Mr Pig Farmer had been filming the whole scenario from behind the curtains and insisted that all three of us snuggle up on the sofa and watch the action replay! Not wanting to offend my hosts I decided I'd give it a few minutes and then feign illness and leave. However it transpired that Mr Pig (he introduced himself as being her husband but I'm not so sure now...I have a feeling that they both come from the same gene pool but as usual I said nothing) had forgotten to put any tape in the camcorder...so a bit of a row started. I took this as a chance to make my excuses and leave whilst the two of them kicked and punched lumps out of each other. Unfortunately this wasn't the end of my troubles. As I went to get into my car I was accosted by a large multi-teeted sow who pinned me to the bonnet of the car and proceeded to try and mate with me. Now, I know I said on my profile that I was hoping to be molested by a large lady and wasn't really that fussy about looks etc but Jesus H Christ....this was NOT what I had in mind. The pig eventually gave up on me (I obviously didn't measure up to the job) and after giving me a look that said 'pathetic...' proceeded to empty her bowels all over my tanned trousers and new grey suede pumps.
But fear not! I haven't given up yet.....I shall return to the arena of lust as soon as my shrink thinks it's safe.